2010-09-03 08:19 Loki's Gargoyle Challenge drabble, Biding My Time, is now up! http://ow.ly/2yX0H #aisubs

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I have been watching out for your new chapter for a while now... and was not disappointed. It was awesome, the scary scenes and celebrity feast had me on the edge of my seat...great job girl!!!

ahhh!
i love the story! keep updating!!! cant wait for more! its so intense and intriguing, i cant get enough of it

Shadow sounds might confused. If I were a psychologist, I would say she is living her revenge and acting it out on the innocent. She is split, but not evil or nothing like that. She has a heart, but her dark side screws with her head. Great story. Looking forward to the next chapter and where you will take this intriguing tale. Keep em coming, MG ~

I am so pleased to be working with you on this story MG, you've grown as a writer over the last few months-the story has blossomed into a fascinating mystery with unexpected twists and turns and Shadow's personal struggles amidst the web of darkness she's caught up in shows both her light and dark side. you're a great storyteller-look forward to reading more! *hands Lady Moon Goddess a pink rose and bows* L.

Its great to see the first chapter updated, I'm enjoying editing your story Manda-chan. *glomps & bows handing you silver roses* =^_= & I wish you well *

Overall, a great beginning to your story, Mg. I do agree with the previous reviewers on their comments about the technical side of the story. Work on using correct grammar and punctuation.

Try to expand your vocabulary; don't limit yourself to the same words over and over.

Also, I agree with Aria; describe the scene in visual terms. It helps the readers to actually have an accurate picture of what you have in mind instead of having to make up their own visual aids for the story. That could cause confusion for the readers later on. For instance, if you don't describe what the Moon Light diner looks like, and a reader imagines something up, and later you write something that contradicts with his/her picture in his mind...well, that reader could get a little confused and annoyed.

Fully explain new concepts, things, names, etc. Like p.l.u.s.h. What is it exactly? Remember that the reader doesn't know as much about the story and its contents as you do. :D

Don't rely so much on dialogue to bring forth the characters' personalities. Say what they're thinking and feeling. Describe their facial expressions and body language.

But don't let all this bog you down. You have a wonderful story in the making. I love the characters and the plot. They're all so very interesting and can lead to so many good things. Please keep it up! :D

Very nice story you have here. It's interesting. I'm intrigued on where you're taking it.

There are a few things you might want to consider:
Shorten the summary; it's very confusing.
Some grammatical and tense uses. (Already mentioned by other reviewers.)
Slow down the story a bit, I feel that it's moving too fast.
Introduction of the characters are sometimes too brief.
Maybe have more lines on the characters' thoughts to better develop your characters.

Overall, you have a really good beginning. Keep writing.

Looks like everyone else already did some pretty good reviews. Your story is an interesting one, it just needs a little more editing by a beta-reader. The summary was written very well, and that was what drew me in. I was going to suggest a little more research on sword-fighting, but someone else already got to it. Researching the subject will probably make your fight scenes more interesting, so you know exactly how some moves are done and you can describe it better. But what action you did have was pretty good--- I liked the way the window shades were thrown open. The biggest problem I had with this chapter was the flow. Characters were introduced rapidly and descriptions of them suddenly popped up. Scenes changed rapidly as well, and some paragraphs looked like they would have been better placed elsewhere. I do that too in my writing, but I just re-read the story and use cut and paste and modify it. It's a handy feature in Word. ^_~ All in all, a very promising story! I'd like to read more!

This is why I'm not a wise member, I don't know how to critiques stories.. Anyways aside from my problem there I think that you have a great story. I'm hoping to see more chapters.

This is a good beginning. The plotline is interesting, and it's a good story. The structure of it, however, needs some work. Besides the repetition Aria already mentioned, there also seems to be some grammatical problems - comma splices, not putting correct punctuation where it belongs, quotation marks misplaced, et cetera. A thorough proofreading by yourself or a good editor would work towards that, though.

I like how Kyuui put it -- it's like eating rice with no salt (or butter!) The story is great, and your characterization is awesome -- I can really feel Shadow/Shay's character shining through, and she's definitely not a cliche. James's character also comes through well. However, all your characterization is through dialogue -- actually, the piece is dialogue-heavy, and reliant. Try, as another reviewer said, to make us see, hear, feel, and smell what's going on through prose description.

Also, you introduce characters oddly, and too quickly. I had to read halfway through the story before I realized who Kit was, and it also took me a while to realize Shay was the teacher and not the student. What is p.l.u.s.h.? Is it a magazine, a clothing line, a furniture store? If you're going to say James, an important character, is the owner/president, you should explain it's purpose. That's implying he's rich, right?

Also, as Aria said I would research swordplay a little more. For one thing, the use of swords in combat is called 'fencing', and a seasoned fencer would not tell people she's a swordfighter, but she would say, "I'm a fencer." I'm a fencer myself, so when I saw the topic I was like, "Yay, fencing!" It's definitely an interesting vocation for a woman to have, but if your main characters are going to be fencers, you need to look it up. For example, a seasoned fencer would *never* stop in the middle of a bout and start hand-to-hand combat to 'speed up' the bout -- first of all, that's against the rules and she could lose her license to teach! Second, it just goes against the code of ethics. Also, what kind of weapon does Shay and her student -- and James for that matter -- use? Foil, sabre, epee? Each have different styles and different usages. Foil is most popular, but epee may be better for your story purposes because you can hit someone anywhere to get a point, whereas in foil you can only hit on the torso and back. Also, it's extremely difficult to knock a weapon out of a good fencer's hand and nearly impossible to catch it yourself, since in fencing your non-weapon hand is extended behind you and slightly above your shoulder. And it's impossible if they were fencing in a good gym where the bouts are electronic, and you're wired to your weapon and it wouldn't fall to the floor, but would merely dangle from your wrist. I couldn't see Shay setting candles around herself as she fenced, either, because it would be too easy to knock it over with the quick footwork.

But, only a crazy fencing-obssessed reader like me would know most of these things...however, to even the unseasoned eye it seems a bit farfetched. A small amount of research would help make it more realistic. Plus, like Aria said, fencing/fighting from 8 to midnight would have you dropping to the floor in a heart attack. Both sports are extremely taxing, especially since you have to move so quickly!

Last thing: there are a few things that seem kind of weird. Like James' thought: 'What preference is that lovely young girl?' What does that mean? It was confusing to me. And about Mea you said, Mea didn't know it, but she normally talked this much. Where you placed it seemed like an odd place. Perhaps you should mention first that she is rattling/babbling on. James thanks Shay before he gets into his limo, which seems very out of character for a man arrogant enough to make his waitress take up his tab when he's supposed to be rich. And although Shay is super-excited along with Mea when James walks into the store, she is nonchalant when he schedules a private appointment with him. Either have her be nonchalant the entire time, or have her be way excited the entire time (which would be interesting...how it would effect her fencing...)

Overall, it's a good move, just needs a few kinks worked out. But an enjoyable read!

Aside from the advice offered re-your story by others; I believe it has a powerful message. It highlights the strength of character and endurance of Shadow as a nocturnal heroeine. She reminds me a little of Makoto & Rei combined. I have to admit you've need to edit and re-structure your sentences, but your main character have true spirit and strength of character, she is warmth comes through. I think once the dialogue and sentences are edited and polished it will shine. The plot is great, you only need to follow the sound advice others have offered. I feel you can do a lot more with this story and I encourage you to visit "The Laundromat," a site dedicated to helping us writers to improve our writing skills. You're a great story teller, and by developing your basic technical skills you will find it so empowering & you will really notice the difference. I loved your vocab' in your summary -- I wish you well, I think you've a great story in the making here. Just give it all the TLC it deserves and with a little work it wil be even better! I look forward to reading more ... *hugs* *hands you a basket of golden roses & bows* ^__^ L.

It looks quite fine to me.

There were several grammatical and tenses mistakes here and there - which no doubt even I fall prey to - but could be fixed with a good read over.

It feels realistic enough to me, although a little bland. Think of it as eating rice just like that without even a pinch of salt. Try putting a little more feelings into, use a more varied range of words. Thesaurus is a good help when it comes to this ^-^

All in all, this could still be improved even furthur, especially when it comes to sparring scenes. Broaden the scope, and it would come up better. Good job, and I'm looking forward to the continuation.

It's wasn't bad for the first chapter I wouldn't mind reading more into it, can't wait for the next chapter.

Interesting story.

You might think about having a more concise summary. The summary that you have is good; it's draws the reader to the story and is intriguing but while I was reading it some parts confused me. I didn't know what the story was about. Which, kind of throws off the whole concept of a summary. Summaries are supposed to sum up the story in a few sentences. Yours felt like it was telling multiple parts of it.

"...with [2] coffees..." nothing is really wrong here but usually in sentences small numbers have to be spelled out.

"...were 17." Again, spelling out numbers.

"...the front there was a picture of a lake with the full moon's reflection [in] it." I think it would better to say the full moon's reflection was on the lake.

"In the salad category []was []taco salad..." Need "there" after "category" and "the" after "was".

"Breakfast was 2 eggs..." 2=two.

"On the back of the menu had [deserts.]" This sentence doesn't make sense to me. You could write something like "The back of the menu had desserts" or "On the back of the menu there were the desserts. Oh, and you mispelled those. It's supposed to be "desserts".

"There were only a few original deserts...". Again, deserts needs two ss's if you're talking about food.

"Oh my God, [its] James Brooke!" "Its" needs to have an apostrophe after the t because it's a contraction of 'it is' and not possession.

"[Shay] cheeks became warm." Minor thing. "Shay" needs an apostrophe 's'.

" Mea grabbed [3] menus." 3 needs to be written out.

"[Its] called SwordPlay." Apostrophe before 's'.

"[Its] called SwordPlay." Again, apostrophe here in the second sentence.

"...[15] minutes later." 15=fifteen.

This story was really fun to read. It was original and simple. Wasn't too cliche; it felt real. Like everyday life but it was also mysterious and exciting. Update soon. I can't wait to find out what the horrendous sight Shay saw was.

This story looks like the start of something interesting.

There were a few things bothering me though.

One is repetition. Be careful not to use the same word over and over. For example:

----
"Am I wearing you down Miss Watson?" The tired student fought her hardest against her teacher. She had been in her class several years hoping to *defeat* her.

"You, wear me down? I don't think so." Shay knocked the sword out of Kitty's hand and into her own. "I'm afraid you still can't beat me, my pupil. Admit *defeat*." Shay smiled at her progressing student and walked toward her.

"I admit *defeat*." She lowered her head in *defeat*.

"Kit, there isn't anything wrong with losing. One day you will *defeat* me." Shay looked at her 18-year-old pupil and smiled. The young sword fighter was Shay's youngest pupil and farthest advanced.
----

Reading the same word again and again gets a little mundane. Try looking for some alternative words to keep it interesting

Also, I would research fighting a little more. I know when I was practicing martial arts sparring was incredibly wearing. To fight from 8pm to midnight would be impossible unless you were superhuman. I'd also stay away from trying to articulate the cries. It makes it sound like a bad kung fu movie.

The last thing I wanted to say was try and show the reader what you want them to see, not tell them. It makes the story that much more real when you describe scenes fully. What is the character thinking/feeling? What are they seeing/smelling? Little details add to the image that the reader is forming in their head.

Otherwise, I think the story begins well. I am looking forward to seeing where this story goes. I hope to see more soon.