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Story: Deadworld (Book 1)
Posted on Sunday January 20, 2008 at 10:24 by darkpower |  |
Season: Alternate Reality
Genre: Adventure, Angst, Drama, Suspense
Rated: PG13
Status: Incomplete
After waking from a year long coma, Queen Melissa Beryl learned about what Queen Metallia and her demon youma, Ultimagama, have caused: a complete cataclysm. To make matters worse, the Scouts have gone their separate ways, with no way of knowing how much their lives have changed--assuming they ARE still alive.
After events that no one could've foreseen occurring in the nine years prior to the cataclysm, Beryl has grown too close to the Scouts and the world to just let it end like this. She vows to find the Scouts and finally end this reign of terror. Only, that may be easier said than done.
Will the Scouts be hard to find? Will they want to join her? How has this dead world changed them? How will it affect Beryl? How much has changed? Will Beryl finally be able to admit that she is in love with her childhood friend that means the world to her? Does anyone in the world have any faith left? Can anyone stop Metallia before it is too late?
Alot can change in a year. In a dead world, only one rule exists for what Beryl could, and will, find: Expect the unexpected!
Number of Chapters: 1 Total Size: 41k Word Count: 7,775
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 |  |  |  |  | | Anonymous - Monday January 21, 2008 at 02:24 | |
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| | | | Intrigued, but I have also a problem with the opening sentence, from a sense that "The female "woke her eyes" [wouldn't it be the girl that wakes up, as opposed to her eyes? I think this is a awkward phrase, you might wish to start with. 'she opened her eyes as she woke from her state of total darkness to unfamiliar surroundings.'] something like this would sound better.
But I think this story has lots of potential, so keep at it and you have BETA's so that should help, but work on your expression and tense more and you should pick it all up in time, good luck. |
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| | | | Hey, I saw that your story got published and I thought I owed you a review!
Just a few things I noticed that you forgot to fix:
"The female woke her eyes from their total darkness..."
I think the wording in that sentence is a little awkward. Instead of 'the female,' the sentence would flow a lot better if you used the vague 'She,' so that the sentence reads, "She woke her eyes..."
"She only continued to look up..."
Sorry for not mentioning this one when I was editing (actually, I didn't notice it until my sister pointed it out). The words 'only continued' sound out of place. Actually, I don't think they're necessary. It would sound a bit better if the sentence read something akin to "She looked up..." (Sorry about that! Forgetting this one was entirely my mistake! ^^;; )
"But I wasn't sure if she is alive even when I checked it."
Using the word 'is' in that sentence doesn't fit (mostly because of the change in tense). You should replace it with the word 'was'.
"She could've sworn he grown since the last time she'd seen him, as well."
Missing the word 'had' before 'grown.' Sentence should read, "She could've sworn he had grown since the last time she'd seen him, as well."
"She may have came to..."
'came' should be 'come'
"But about Casto...He must be just as important as the others if his trust is means that much to you."
Omit the word 'is'.
"Where'd she go," he asked.'
Replace comma with '?'.
"WHAT," Steve gasped.'
Replace comma with '?'.
"She could see the uneven road she was now upon was broken in several places, a road in which no one would dare try to drive..."
Add the word 'that' before 'the uneven road' and replace the words 'in which' with the words 'on which.'
Anyway, aside from those slight technicalities, I have to say that this story is really unique. I like how your protagonist is Beryl, that each character has a different story that the reader has yet to discover, and that the plot is strongly original. This fic has great potential, and I can't wait to see what you have in store for the characters (or what has happened to some of them Beryl has yet to find). Anyway, keep writing and I welcome to AI! |
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