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Not Logged InWednesday February 19, 2020 - 11:16
Information about KouUsagi
Story Submissions
Last 10 Story Reviews Received
Someone's Watching Over Me
Reviewed by Loki - Wednesday December 29, 2010 at 08:29

I am so glad I finally got around to finishing reading this story, it was incredible, original and magical. The supernatural elements blended with the dreamlike quality and the interaction between the characters. I loved Darien's mother and how you wrote even the more scary segments, they all fit together perfectly.\

Wonderful job! <3333
Someone's Watching Over Me
Reviewed by ladymooncat - Friday August 17, 2007 at 19:15

It's really finished? =[
Fantastic story, I loved every minute of it! And that ending! At first I thought you'd let her die!
Wow.
Someone's Watching Over Me
Reviewed by SailorPheonix3 - Friday August 17, 2007 at 16:11

In one word ...Outstanding! Bravo! I would have never thought of that very clever indeed.
Someone's Watching Over Me
Reviewed by SailorPheonix3 - Friday August 17, 2007 at 15:40

Please tell me she disappeared. Cliffhanger omg the waiting.
Someone's Watching Over Me
Reviewed by SailorPheonix3 - Friday April 06, 2007 at 14:06

I had to reread the four chapters again. Wow, this was moving pretty fast and seeing 2 different ways of how to deal with death. I hope to see more.
Someone's Watching Over Me
Reviewed by SailorPheonix3 - Thursday March 22, 2007 at 18:15

Did Seiya make a pack with death? This is getting good.
Someone's Watching Over Me
Reviewed by SailorPheonix3 - Friday March 16, 2007 at 16:03

Other than slight spelling errors these chapters are excellent. It gives a clear explanation of what was going on with her and it stayed true to the "fighting for love and justice" also friendship and family between family. This is truely worth reading!
Someone's Watching Over Me
Reviewed by SailorPheonix3 - Friday March 16, 2007 at 15:21

Wow! That was powerful but short! I can't wait to see the next chapter.
Someone's Watching Over Me
Reviewed by SailorPheonix3 - Wednesday March 14, 2007 at 13:27

I am keeping track of this. This story is very interesting! Keep the chapters comming!
Someone's Watching Over Me
Reviewed by Loki - Monday March 12, 2007 at 14:03

The story is good, but you've a few things still to skill-up on

WISE, I think you'vve got a great story and its plot sounds good, but I really suggest finding yourselves a good editor to help improve your story and to pass on good writing habits. If you do this, I have no doubt you are both quick studies and will quickly catch on.

Some things to tweak:

1: I woke up _somewhat_ (the use of this word, somewhat, is out of place here) in some strange place with people talking around me. Then all of a sudden I'm here…

2: Serena and Michiru made their way to the front of the group as they walked so Serena could unlock the door to let the _riot_(?) gang enter. She was searching for her keys when she felt someone grab her arm. Startling herself slightly (insert comma here)Serena lost her balance and fell out of the group into the street.(This last part of the sentence makes no sense, for if Serena is about to unlock the door to her apartment, how could she fall onto the road and into the path of an on-coming car, and the arm grabbing hers, who is it, a friend trying to save her, or protagonist?) It all happened in slow motion. She saw the headlights speeding towards her. At that very moment, it was as if reality had quickly become insanity. Every fiber of her being was screaming for her to move out of the _street_, (suggest replacing “street” with “way”), but nothing was registering in her brain.

3: Serena tried with all her might to grasp _Reis_ (a little typo, should be “Rei's”) hand in return,

4: knew that _just_ ((could leave out “just” and replace with, “this”) was not an option.

5: I woke up _somewhat_ (this word not needed here, makes sentence awkward) in some strange place with people talking around me. Then all of a sudden (insert comma)I'm here…

6: _gapped_ (“gapped” is a hole, crack or opening, you mean, “gaped”) at him with her mouth _hung_ (“hung” is strictly meant for pictures and such, see Crystal Rose's thread on writing tips in the writer's forum archives for more information on this and other writing tips and techniques – best to leave it out to make sentence grammatically sound) lightly ajar, and thoughts speeding at _lightening_ (this spelling is in the context of “lightening the load, a “lightning” strike, is the right word to use here)

7: "My brother is my best friend, I love him more _then_ (“then” is past tense, you are looking for “then” as this word is comparative, “then” refers to 'back then' and 'and then' 'then will you change') I love myself.

8: Look for that (insert “thing ”)you are running from.

9: unaware of (insert “the”) person's arms she was in.

10: "Are you _ok_? (change “ok” contraction to “okay”)

11: Darien gently _placed_ (replace with “set”) Serena on her feet, but stayed close enough in case she needed the support. He watched as Serena stood shakily _upon her feet,(upon her feet, a tad redundant, show not tell)_

12: Amy stated in (insert “a”) worried voice.

13: _Off near the door_ (first part of this sentence is redundant)Four young men stood watching the scene (insert, “from the doorway”).

14: "I'm sure she will (insert comma, natural pause)Zack, just give her time. She is a smart young _women_ (this is plural, should be, “woman”), she just needs to have faith in herself." Michael stated as he watched the young
blonde with her friends.

15: but what _bout_ (should be, “about”) Darien?

16: Darien and Andrew both glanced down at Serena, before bringing their eyes up _to meet the other._ (the end of this sentence makes no sense, perhaps, “looked at one another”)

17: In a moment (insert comma here, natural pause) it seemed all the pieces _where_ (should be “were” see CR's writing tips for more info) finally in place. Now (insert comma, pause) how the rest would play out was entirely up to Serena.

Well, hope these tweaks give you a good idea of those things you need to work on, but aside from that, it is nonetheless an interesting little story.

I really feel an editor will make such a big difference. Good luck. *hands you a crystal pen and winks*
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