 | End Of Innocence
Reviewed by Loki - Tuesday May 17, 2011 at 18:49
This latest chapter was worth the wait, although I sincerely hope the next won't be anywhere near as long in coming, welll done! ^_^ | | End Of Innocence
Reviewed by Loki - Friday February 26, 2010 at 04:18
a suspence and high-powered cliffy, salutations, to you, for delivering another dramatic chapter, and with a few tender moments, I was wondering about the girls and if they would use more of their magical attacks, also, the combination of their powers with that of Casto's? Perhaps I am guessing, but a Burning Mandala, and a Firebird attack, Venus Crescent Beam, and C B Smash, and Ice Storm Blast and other attacks would be cool to see more of, and new attacks in the united Sailor combined assaults, just thought I'd run the ideas by you, but you may already have this in mind, either way, great chapter, a few little knit-picky things, but easy to tweak.
Fantastic chapter! ^_^ *love the story of the bunnies and Sere in the pool and her reaction to Casto and how she says, 'Your Bunny needs you!'* That was cute! =^_^= | | End Of Innocence
Reviewed by Loki - Tuesday January 26, 2010 at 20:18
Wow, this is getting very, very interesting indeed... I'm intrigued more than ever, the Yakuza! *sits on the edge of the seat* Plot definitely thickens! :) | | End Of Innocence
Reviewed by Loki - Tuesday January 26, 2010 at 19:15
I haven't read the latest chapter, but I felt like jumping throug the computer and grabbing Rubeus by the throat and choaking the life out of him, especially when he tried to kill Luna!
Good tension, and what an ending, off to read the next chapter, good work... | | End Of Innocence
Reviewed by babydee - Saturday January 16, 2010 at 02:11
This is a really good story. I hope serena and them can mess things up for the other side. please dont take long with the next chapter | | End Of Innocence
Reviewed by Loki - Saturday January 09, 2010 at 05:03
DP great chapter, suspense and the fever pitch of the narrative has a good feel, the surreal almost dream-like quality stands out and the dramatic ending holds the reader ready for the next chapter, good work.
Knit-picks, you have double sets of "" ... "" in some of your dialogue, maybe that was an aesthetic thing, but best with punctuation to use those conventions correctly, it was only a few sentences but thought I would point those out for you. Your showing not telling, is getting better, though some redundancies during the fight between Rubeus and Casto could do with a little trim, but over-all a really gripping chapter!
Looking forward to more... | | War Games
Reviewed by Loki - Friday December 11, 2009 at 05:45
The tension of the story has increased quite a lot over the many chapters, it is a cliff hanger that the Fire God would approve of, your story has set the stage for the unfolding and there is a hint of Greek Tragedy about some aspects, Rubeus is a pain in the butt, I hope he meets his end soon as with also Metalia, good work and same to your BETA, she has been really amazing in her support of your story and deserves some kudos ^_^ | | War Games
Reviewed by Loki - Sunday October 18, 2009 at 02:43
This was a good chapter, I would suggest though to try and tell us less about the shaking hands and the mundane physical actions, let your readers picture those in our own minds, it is better to read the story itself and enjoy it without haveing to wade through redundant padding such as the 'body' in 'Action' in simple obvious gestures and movements. Show, not Tell. ^_^
But in all, it was a fabulous chapter: Haruna was great, Serena to Sailor Moon was first rate, and the characters all put in great performances and the battle between Moon and Drillbit was awesome. I even though Melissa's scene with Prisma was amazing, so more pluses than minuses, but please try and wath those padding issues.
Good work! | | War Games
Reviewed by Loki - Tuesday September 29, 2009 at 14:14
A good chapter, some little BETA typos and such, but the story itself is rolling along. I do wish the villains would lose for a change though. :D
Poor Pandora, I think that was good that you could elicit sympathy for a youma, well done and Melvin needs to let his wounds heal, he shouldn't be so wreckless about his condition. | | War Games
Reviewed by Loki - Friday August 21, 2009 at 03:23
Good tension DP, images and flashes of brilliance throughout...but you're still misspelling the name Patricia, it is not how you're spelling it here. Sorry, but you really need to fix this. :)
Also, the 30 seconds refrain with Haruna's ribs. You don't need to qualify these specifics as in RL people don't count to thirty over and over, not realistic, I would edit that out, for common sense would dictate that if pain is sustained, she needs hospitalization. You also need to work on telling less and showing more in mundane descriptions.
The next is your grammar, 'fought to her feet' that is a problematic jarring use of expression, I am sorry but I suggest you try:
'struggled to get to his feet, the use of 'fought' in the context you have makes it much too vague, a dangling modifier. 'She fought for control, or 'fought for breath' that is the context this ought to be used. ^_^ There are some other little things, but these stood out most. ^^
A lot of telling,not showing... eg red bricks of the wall, and a side street to the side? If it is a side street, then telling the reader that a side street is on 'the side' is a little silly. You need more BETA help with your grammar, expression, punctuation as you've got a mix of quotation marks and apostrophes in your dialogue and other typos and structural forms. The fighting scenes are too graphic and the injuries the characters sustain in such encounters are so over the top that they would kill anyone in reality, let alone these pour long-suffering characters, consider Melvin and Sammy, I feel the story would flow and be a lot more convincing if it didn't rely so heavily on grotuotous violence for its own sake.
The teacher's behavior, and the structure of a Japanese Jnr high school you ought to do some research into, as appeals mechanisms are more helpful in a situation where there is unfair dismissal, injustices of this kind.
Even if the principle is a youma in disguise, and the entire Tokyo police department is under Metalia or other influence, wouldn't Tokyo's citizenry, government and general public, media be long ago raising the alarm bells? I think the builders finding Melvin, was better, on the right track and the girl... We kind of get a hint, but you need to mix it up a bit as its too dark, way too dark.
Why aren't the staff at the school, older students, cleaning and admin staff etc noticing all this?
I don't know, maybe its me, but I found this chapter and forgive me, but it was so depressing. I know you probably have something coming. But please we need to see the good guys get some positive results more often, not having Melissa and Ikuko and Melvin beaten to a bloody pulp all the time, what is with that anyway? A good story, 'and this is a good story' BTW, shouldn't rely soley on heavy violent content and it is just much too much DP. Sorry, but it leaves me a little cold. Please consider toning it down a bit? ^_^
few aside from the principle are reporting abuse and other improprieties to the education department. Japan has a strict society and well-organized infrastructure. I feel you would be best served by doing a 'lot more' research into that and bringing it into your story to strengthen it, you've got for the most part a really good fiction here, but it has some problems that are fixable.
Highlights:
I did enjoy Pandora's character, she is intriguing. Drillbit is establishing himself as a strong character, kudos for these two. Melissa and the sisters, good work with them, too.
Looking forward to the next chapter, and please consider my points as I feel it will make the story better IMO. But that is just my 2 cents worth. :) |
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