First of all, congratulations on getting your story up, and on coming up with an original plot with Rubeus.
I think the notion of an escape from death for this villain works so well, and I often thought myself that he couldn't have been so stupid as to set off a self-destruct without a back-up plan, even if it came unexpected. So kudos for that.
I think the dialogue with Serena and her mother was a little problematic, the laboring of the point about her ineffectual response to Sammy didn't come over as convincing, I think you could simplify that by simply saying, she had panicked, and had no idea where her son was, and the fact the Dark Moon villain had used energy balls like those used by a Senshi would be obvious to Ikuko and her husband. I think that whole section and theme needs to be re-visited and tightened up. The Show, not Tell, aspect would help. Telling as less as you can about things like the details on wounds and her self deprication, the identity thing and the nature of Kenji's wounds can be made mor concise and a lot cut out there.
There were a few typos but a careful going over will fix those, watch out for punctuation multiples, as single punctuation is sufficient and descriptive dialogue tagging will carry the power and drama you're looking for as well. :)
Rubeus then went to a nearby pay phone booth and searched through the attached phone book. His eyes studied the pages, looking for the name of "Sommers". A hundred pages into the book, he found what he was looking for, ripped out a page, and disappeared(you should put a period here as at this point nobody knows he is there, and or what he is up to so the next part of this sentence makes little sense) *before anyone could find him.* (Who would find him?)
I think the plot is amazing, but I feel you still need some extra help with expression, and characterization on the relationship between Serena and her mother, and with the others, though only in a couple of places where people question her moods, seems silly after the fact her father and brother are almost killed and the descriptions of that event need a bit of work to be more convincing. But over all it was a good chapter and the hook is definitely there, just a little more polishing and tightening up is needed.
Oh, one last thing, it is "odangos" not 'ordangos' :)
Keep going, I think this could only get better... |
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